10,227 Days of Kayla

The beautiful, delicious chaos, that is my life

28 years on this Earth and while it feels like a lifetime of experiences… I recognize how truly short my journey has been this far. That there is so much yet to do, see, learn, observe, appreciate.

My journey has just begun.

To the little girl in me, that I am for you today. The girl who started it all. Cheers to you and your butterflies little one. 

it has been 28 years of lying to myself, because I didn’t know any better. In denial, because how could I know better than the ones who came before me? Didn’t they see the grandiose world, the ups and downs, the ins and outs? Didn’t they know wrong from right? How could I know that I was teaching them too, through the effortless mirror I reflected within my presence. The innocence of my light, shining bright for all to see, even if they didn’t want to. And oh, how easily it was for them to snuff it out, when I so effortlessly believed that the world I was born into, would always have my best interest at heart. That I would be pushed towards healthy risks, that they would believe in my farfetched dreams and ideas. That they would believe in me enough that I would not be scared to spread my wings and show the world the lion within me. That those quirky parts of me, are the reason I am meant to be here. To provide joy, love, laughter, honesty, innocence, wonder. What we all came here to do, to be. 

After 28 years I understand that our purpose, is to just be. To bask in the lives we are given, to learn, to improve, but to ebb and flow. Syncing the tides of our water formed bodies, to the natural order of existence. Perhaps that is why I always feel whole when I sit alongside a body of water. Just listening, letting everything go, forgetting the material world, and only existing as human. It isn’t supposed to be so complicated as we make it all seem. Your only job is existence.

After 28 years I recognize the parts of me that want to be heard. And how the dismissal showed up in my body and pestered my mind into impulsivity. Deflecting the idea of patience and accountability, but not because I lacked self-awareness. More so, that I lacked the knowledge that who the world convinced me to be, was not in the best interest of me. Who I have been, is a borrowed collection of those I have encountered, and the experiences I have endured. Convincing myself that what has happened to me, is who I am. “You are not your story” as they say…

But maybe it is all true. Maybe I am the story. Maybe we are just collages of the people we’ve encountered, loved, betrayed, grieved… all the experiences we have had full of desire, beauty, wonder, destruction, new beginnings, endings. Maybe all of these trials I have faced, led me exactly where I am right now. Sitting here in my kitchen, multi-tasking this writing, while cooking dinner as my toddler runs rampant and rolls his toys on the ground behind me. The beautiful, delicious chaos, that is my life. This fierce version of myself that is capable of shifting perspectives. This version of me that laughs more often, takes life less seriously, and reaches for the whimsy.

After 28 years I have come to wonder that maybe the attempts to break me were set in place, for me to rise and preserver. As if my tribulations are the entire plot to my existence. Almost as if I had written the contract myself. A loud intuition, on the path of isolation (the hermit). A healer in words and hands, the overseer of beautiful things, and the balance of chaotic happenings.

After 28 years I now know, no one can take what is meant for me, away, unless I give them permission to do so. If I subscribe to what's being fed to me, if i continue to complain about complacency, while complying. There is no one who can take my soul from me, there is no one who can take my heart. No one can take you, from you.

 I have come to understand and prove to myself that I am the one and only author of my reality. As are you to yours. The author, the narrator, the main character. The writer, the director, the actor.

All center stage. Each choice, rather influenced or not, is yours for the taking, the wonderful snowball effect of freewill. But perhaps, that knowledge is freeing, knowing that if no one is coming to save me…. well, then no one is coming to stop me either. I will always be the only one willing to try for me, the only one willing to understand me, for me, and the only one able to change the world that’s in front of me.

All you have to do is decide.

Today I celebrate 28 years of wreaking havoc onto this beautiful, ever-changing world. Loving endlessly, finding and sharing the good within the chaos. Turning trash into treasure. Trying to metamorphosize everything I have learned along the way. To live up to the calling of the fire, that is the dragon of my soul. And through it all? To love with all that I have, to laugh, and dance more often. To let the cold rain wash my skin clean. To get messy, to forget the material needs, and escape this system of reality that forces open wounds I never needed to heal. Today I celebrate the 10,227 days of chances, choices, laughter, love, and the messy middle in between it all. I am blessed to have had all these 10,227 days, and who I have become because of it all. I like to think the messy, chaotic parts are some of the best, and that some of our hardest challenges shape us in ways that change us forever, for the better. Oh, the blessing of looking back at how far you have come…

Because after 28 years, I learned to meet every challenge with a smile, compassion, and a little spit-fire spunk.

Thanks for being here with me, I love you.

♥ Kayla

Get messy with me, ugly cry, or scream into the rain with me while your neighbors quickly shut the blinds and lock their doors.