Goodbye To "Just Surviving"

Letting go of survival, the beginning stages of transformation

I have been beating myself up about a lot of things since I stopped playing the victim. It destroyed every perception, guard, defense… everything. The entire tower crumbling down like never before. It has been 2 Summers, since I decided I wanted to rewrite my entire story. To change the way I have been living and perceiving life. I started to believe that I deserve a good life, good things, good love. and all at once everything began to crash. I stepped onto the path of transformation and decided I didn’t have to live in survival mode. I am the damn author!

I wrote this in the beginning of that journey. 

The Fear of Abandonment

I have been mourning all I once compartmentalized. All the memories I carefully boxed up and labeled “later” just so I could survive the moment. For years, I lived in survival mode. Packing pain into tight corners of myself so I could keep going. And somewhere in my youth, I sold myself the belief: "Nothing stays, or lasts. Everything eventually crumbles.And I will always be the one left behind."

After moving over 40 times between 16 and 27, instability became my normal. Suitcases felt more familiar than roots. Temporary felt safer than permanent. I learned not to attach too deeply because eventually, I would have to leave or be left. This pattern followed me into jobs, and romantic relationships. I would look at everything as a fun and shiny brand-new object, indulging in all the wonderful emotions that came with it. But when anything got too serious, or comfortable I would start to itch for something new. A job got too consistent, a relationship was falling into the pattern of everyday living.

I unconsciously started to recreate what I knew all too well.

I found myself drawn to the very things I claimed I didn’t want. Toxic friendships that mirrored unpredictability. Partners who felt like “home” only because chaos was familiar. Habits that kept me bracing for impact.

I ignored my intuition over and over again.

I wasn’t addicted to chaos, I was addicted to what was familiar. While also self sabotaging the good parts, because I was afraid to be abandoned, I was afraid to let myself deserve good things because I felt unworthy.

And now I’m grieving it all…The versions of me that thought constant movement meant control, that temporary love was better than none, that bracing for abandonment would somehow soften the blow.

I am mourning the belief that I am only meant to pass through places, that I am not someone who gets to stay. But I am learning that movement wasn’t the problem.T

he belief that I didn’t deserve permanence was.

And I don’t live there anymore.

A Note:

The ways I survived now seeing it with the rose colored glasses of self, taken off. I wasn’t always wrong, but I was far from the victim in a lot of aspects. I was young and naive and I still deeply love those parts of me and really hold her close. But i think that’s perhaps what hurts the most. The rehabilitation I have given myself even through the chaos, has shown me such love and peace, that I know how bad she was hurting. I know she never meant to hurt anyone. But I think its healthy to mourn for both the younger version of self, and those I hurt along the way. In a way to understand them. To rid myself of shame. to stop punishing myself for burdens I cannot erase. I can only fix in the current state. I can seek forgiveness, but the true burden is forgiving yourself and waking up in the mirror everyday being able to withstand, and truly smile and love what you see.

♥ Kayla

Wake up and love what ya see in the morning!